The Blue Elephant Brigade Forum Index The Blue Elephant Brigade
Games, Anime, Movies, Life
 
    FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Chuck Norris > You
Goto page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Blue Elephant Brigade Forum Index -> Silliness and Forum Fun
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Vyce
Settler
Settler


Joined: 13 Sep 2005
Posts: 142
Location: Close to the Falls, Canada.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 4:31 pm    Post subject: Chuck Norris > You Reply with quote

Ok, to get these jokes, you need to know who Chuck Norris is. I don't know why, but I found some of these really funny.
Others, not so much. I'll just post a few. Once again, if you don't know who Chuck Norris is, you won't get any of these. Even if you DO know who he is, you still might not find these funny. >.>

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was born, he came out feet first to deliver a roundhouse kick to the doctor. No one delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get wet. Wet gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Izane Bricks
Brigadier
Brigadier


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 1949
Location: Connecticut

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer...too bad he's never cried


Chuck Norris can impregnate a women by raising his right eyebrow
by lifting his left, he can impregnate a man.
_________________
An still more glorious dawn awaits: not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise - a morning filled with four hundred billion suns: the rising of the Milky Way. - Sagan
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
midget
Brigadier Veteran
Brigadier Veteran


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 2263

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuck Norris once got an erection while walking down the street.... there were no survivors.
_________________
"People really donít like to hear success explained away as luck ó especially successful people. As they age, and succeed, people feel their success was somehow inevitable. They donít want to acknowledge the role played by accident in their lives. There is a reason for this: the world does not want to acknowledge it either." -- Michael Lewis
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Glistam
I plead the Third
I plead the Third


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 5076

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauronís ass halfway through the first chapter.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

It was Chuck Norris who killed Col. Mustard, in the Library, with a roundhouse kick to the head. If anyone tells you different, they're a damn liar.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.



_________________
"I don't have dreams about the Navy. The Navy killed all of my dreams." - Buddy Lee
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
midget
Brigadier Veteran
Brigadier Veteran


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 2263

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://chucknorrisweaknesss.ytmnd.com/

http://chucknorriscantstoptherock.ytmnd.com/

http://norrispwnscorn.ytmnsfw.com/
_________________
"People really donít like to hear success explained away as luck ó especially successful people. As they age, and succeed, people feel their success was somehow inevitable. They donít want to acknowledge the role played by accident in their lives. There is a reason for this: the world does not want to acknowledge it either." -- Michael Lewis
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
ashlad
Brigadier Remembered
Brigadier Remembered


Joined: 01 Aug 2005
Posts: 3442
Location: Norristown, PA

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuck Norris came out here to see us a while back.

The kids routed a special request chit for a certain ET1 Wallace to have his ass kicked by Chuck Norris. It was bottom lined by the senior queef.
_________________
"Morals are customs rather than natural law." --Robert A. Heinlein
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Leedon
Moderator
Moderator


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 1478

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The kids routed a special request chit for a certain ET1 Wallace to have his ass kicked by Chuck Norris.


That's awesome.
_________________
Flirtin' with disaster,
Ya'll know what I mean.
You know the way we run our lives,
It makes no sense to me.


-Flirtin' with Disaster, Molly Hatchet
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mojobacca
Brigadier Commando
Brigadier Commando


Joined: 28 Mar 2005
Posts: 2789

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's odd that, not only have I seen some of these things said about Chuck Norris, but I have also seen many said for Vin Diesel.

SO.... my question is who is the better being? Chuck or Vin?

-Vin Diesel lead a band of misfit heroes in World War 2. The group consisted of himself, Batman, Albert Einstein, Mr. T, Jesus and The Fonz. When the Nazi's learned of this they immediately surrendered. When Vin heard the Nazi surrender he simply laughed stating, "German is a funny language."

-Margaret Thatcher became prime minister of England as terms of a bet she lost with Vin Diesel.

-Vin Diesel is the reason Cap'n. Crunch was turned down for his promotion to admiral.

-Vin Diesel's name appears fourteen times in the Bible, but God later admitted that three of these were typos.

-Vin Diesel is simultaneously the Lord of the Rings, the Lord of the Dance, and The Lord.

-Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".

-Vin Diesel has a guest house made entirely of Joan Rivers' vagina.

-Vin Diesel crashed the flying saucer in Area 51 so he could use the metal to make the sweetest break-dancing surface in the galaxy.


These facts and more can be found here
_________________
Come join the fun! League of Legends is a MMOAG that is both free to get, but free to play!

Quote:
DEATHFORCE: There are certainly crazy things you can do with this game, you can generate a world that is 3 times the size of earth before it starts having errors, although I dont know how long it would take to generate a world that large anyways lol

TRASSIN: I'm guessing about 21 days? Assuming you take a break every 7th day or so.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mongolio
Brigadier Elite
Brigadier Elite


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 4976

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to October 2005.
_________________
Core meltdown (commonly known as a meltdown) is an accident scenario in nuclear reactors, and is one of the possible modes of failure for light water reactors, during which the reactor pile turns into a pile of reactor.
---RationalWiki

If Jesus had existed, his DNA would have been 99% similar to that of a chimpanzee. Or you. You're 99% Jesus.
-- RationalWiki
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Lotan
Brigadier Commando
Brigadier Commando


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 3264
Location: Seattle

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just wanted to let everyone know that these "facts" are actually not real... I did some internet research and found this:

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

Oh yeah, and buy Chuck's Book, "Against All Odds".

Lotan
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Exzavier
Brigadier Commando
Brigadier Commando


Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 3329
Location: Richmond, VA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

whats with the sudden obsession and stuff about Chuck Norris? its everywhere lately
_________________
"Fuckin' Amesome" --- Joe Flacco
"I love watching special effects on my iPad." ---Howard Stern
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Yobun
Administrator
Administrator


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 2183

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

because of Conan O'Brien

http://www.milkandcookies.com/article/2882/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Madhatte
Brigadier Survivor
Brigadier Survivor


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 7949
Location: Olympia, WA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From a link on the same site:



I did this with The Simpsons Character Maker.
_________________
We live in an amazing, amazing world, and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots. -- Louis CK

We are going to have to stick a pin in a map, set fire to something and carry on until the earth looks flat! -- RandyMac

I could teach you to how file a washer to make it worth a nickel but if you really want to make big bucks just take a penny and drill a hole in it and it becomes a washer and is worth a dime. -- Art Martin, Old-Time Logger
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Leedon
Moderator
Moderator


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 1478

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Hijack!!!*

Leedon and Maddhatte > You

(oh, and Lee > Madhatte)
_________________
Flirtin' with disaster,
Ya'll know what I mean.
You know the way we run our lives,
It makes no sense to me.


-Flirtin' with Disaster, Molly Hatchet
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Madhatte
Brigadier Survivor
Brigadier Survivor


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 7949
Location: Olympia, WA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lee, if you weren't my Arch-Nemesis, I would say some mighty flattering things right now. As it is, you'll have to be satisfied with a weak-ass GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

You make me proud, aaaaaaaaand I hate you for it. GRRRRRR. again.

This is why Arch-dictators have Arch-Enemies. Would-be competitors, take note.

That is all.

Oh, and it's because I care. Really.
_________________
We live in an amazing, amazing world, and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots. -- Louis CK

We are going to have to stick a pin in a map, set fire to something and carry on until the earth looks flat! -- RandyMac

I could teach you to how file a washer to make it worth a nickel but if you really want to make big bucks just take a penny and drill a hole in it and it becomes a washer and is worth a dime. -- Art Martin, Old-Time Logger
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
stinkybrokenut
Brigadier Trainee
Brigadier Trainee


Joined: 05 May 2005
Posts: 979
Location: Armpit of the Northeast

PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go Monkeys with bowling balls!!!
_________________
I'm pretty sure I've done a couple stripteases because of Tito's Vodka.

-Khim

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Mongolio
Brigadier Elite
Brigadier Elite


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 4976

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leedon wrote:
*Hijack!!!*

Leedon and Maddhatte > You

(oh, and Lee > Madhatte)


This link doesn't appear to be Firefox friendly. At least not mine. It pops up a download box for a text file.
_________________
Core meltdown (commonly known as a meltdown) is an accident scenario in nuclear reactors, and is one of the possible modes of failure for light water reactors, during which the reactor pile turns into a pile of reactor.
---RationalWiki

If Jesus had existed, his DNA would have been 99% similar to that of a chimpanzee. Or you. You're 99% Jesus.
-- RationalWiki
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Lotan
Brigadier Commando
Brigadier Commando


Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 3264
Location: Seattle

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its a jpg hidden as a txt file on geocities. You could save it and change the extension if you really wanna see it.

Lotan
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Mongolio
Brigadier Elite
Brigadier Elite


Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 4976

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Use image dump or image shack or whatever and just post the image in the thread...
_________________
Core meltdown (commonly known as a meltdown) is an accident scenario in nuclear reactors, and is one of the possible modes of failure for light water reactors, during which the reactor pile turns into a pile of reactor.
---RationalWiki

If Jesus had existed, his DNA would have been 99% similar to that of a chimpanzee. Or you. You're 99% Jesus.
-- RationalWiki
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mishlai
Brigadier Survivor
Brigadier Survivor


Joined: 22 May 2005
Posts: 6226
Location: Dry Land

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

don't even need to change the extension, just open it with an image editor. I still didn't get it after the viewing, however.
_________________
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success.

Fucking act like it.

"The stars died so that you could be here today" - Lawrence Krauss

"The universe is huge and old, and rare things happen all the time." - Lawrence Krauss
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    The Blue Elephant Brigade Forum Index -> Silliness and Forum Fun All times are GMT + 13 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Page 1 of 4

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group