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The Joke thread
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Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:52 pm    Post subject: The Joke thread Reply with quote

Well I see a lot of joke threads, and lots of daily jokes posted on my other forums...figured maybe we could have one?



Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even
said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they
came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a cute baby you have. The
Mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has
beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision. "

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he
needed glasses."
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
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Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up
my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
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Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GOD AND THE BIKER

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong and I know there is, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
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God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
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Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train..but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please
Remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking
In the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
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Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a
pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the
mother says,
"Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a Mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father
and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account".
He continues "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of Factories
and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory
and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and confidently tells him,
"You f*(k her again..."
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day a farmer was woken up by his wife nagging him. She nagged him as he dressed, nagged him through breakfast, nagged him as he hitched his mules to the rock sled, nagged him all morning as he pulled rocks from the field, nagged him as they walked back to lunch, all through lunch, and on the walk back to the fields. She nagged him all afternoon until he was done working. As soon as he unhitched the mules they bolted to his wife and kicked her to death.

At the funeral the preacher kept seeing women walk up to the man and speak to him. He always nodded in response. The preacher also witnessed men walk up to him and speak, to which he always shook his head no. Perplexed the preacher asked what was going on.

The man told him that the women folk kept telling him what a great woman his wife had been to which he nodded.

The men kept asking to buy the mules.
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ryrra
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you post to fast for me to read
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-Chinese Proverb-

Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it.
-Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)-
Smile
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Resheph
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

on a plane 2 iraqie men sit in their seats 3a and 3b. up comes a marine he looks and he has 3c. he sits down kicks off his shoes and gets comfortable for the long flight. several minutes later the man in 3a asks to be let out for a drink but the marine says no dont worry ill get it for you. so the 2 men look at each other and one man says give me his shoe. he then spits in it. the marine returns and he thanks him and drinks his drink. soon the next man says i would also like to get a drink, the marine again say no let me. now the other man spits in his other shoe. when he returns and again thank you chugs his drink. soon there after the plane gets ready to land. the marine begins to put on his shoes when he slips in his feet he feels the ooz of their spit. he looks over and says you know this america vs iraq thing has gone to far. you spitting in my shoes me pissing in your drink. its got to end
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 2778
Location: Danbury, CT

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital
when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.
Oh my God!!" Scream the woman," That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing
that?

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explain, " I am very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where
his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if doesn't do that at least 5
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture."
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my God!! How can THAT be justified?".


Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Resheph
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $500.
They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the
following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
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Resheph
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There, thats just from the first 3 pages of the Silverado SS forums Very Happy
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
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ashlad
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're really asking for it.
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Trassin
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Madhatte


sorry, that's all I've got.
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The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. - Albert Einstein
"Raccoons oscillate at 50Hz in Europe." - FAWBOTS
"I'm not sure I'm up for orgy scrabble parties" - Female Friend
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khimaira
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Trassin wrote:
Madhatte
bwuahahahahahahaha Now, that's a good one!
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Resheph
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What, you guys don't like jokes? I figured at least a few of you might enjoy them....
_________________
Trassin wrote:
From now on when I see some disgusting chick with a kid and think to myself, "who the fuck slept with that?" I'm just going to start assuming it was you, Ex.

midget wrote:
vagina = chaos
CrushFearSynth wrote:
She thinks I'm weird compared to you? Dude, I thought you should audition for American Serial Killer when I met you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
khimaira
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The one about the priests and lawyers in heaven was the best. If you've got more, bring 'em on. Still, though, Madhatte is rather damm funny.
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Trassin
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Still, though, Madhatte is rather damm funny.


I do what I can.

As a side note I think something needs to be done about this "girlfriend" of his. I'm seeing less and less posting on the forum from him and tend to believe she may be at fault.
_________________
The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. - Albert Einstein
"Raccoons oscillate at 50Hz in Europe." - FAWBOTS
"I'm not sure I'm up for orgy scrabble parties" - Female Friend
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